Should you tell the partner of someone to whom you were a mistress?

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I agree that it depends on why you would be telling. Some of the stories here tell of pain and anger and vengeance. Yes you hurt but getting even will not change that and will only make you look bad. If however, this is an ongoing pattern of the cheater, the spouse has a right to know. You know that you will be replaced by another and the only person truly paying the price is the spouse that doesn't know.

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I was a mistress to a married man once. I regret it terribly. I also did tell the wife but not to get him all to myself (cause I didn't want him) I did it cause he made me feel like the one in the wrong "which I was" but I was not alone.

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Only if there is a d**n good reason to tell her, like if you are pregnant by him or if one of you gave the other an STD.

While you may regret having been involved with him, it isn't the wife's fault. You were the interloper and it isn't your place to butt in where you didn't belong in the first place. And no I'm not implying that you were the only one in the wrong, but if it's over between you, his marriage is no longer your concern.

And while I can see how someone might think it would feel good, to tell his wife and make him miserable, in the end you'll still be alone AND you'll have hurt the wife who was just an innocent bystander. And if there are children involved...well, think about it.

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No. End the relationship and all contact with him.

Attempting to shed your burden on the man's wife will not gain you any sympathy. At best, she'll think you're trying to ease your own conscience, at worst, she'll assume you are either getting revenge or trying to end the marriage so you can get the husband to yourself.

Be sensible--stay out of it.

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No, not at this point. If she doesn't know about you, and it's over, leave it that way. I know you don't really care about their marriage, and you somehow want to get back at him. But you have to think of how ugly it could get for yourself. Just walk away and take it as a lesson learned.

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I am a 24 year old young woman. About two years ago I was badly hurt by my first love. For the first time in my life my naivete was shedding and my trust in people, in love, and in the process of life was being eroded. I met Mark at work. I was attracted to him the first time I saw him. His demeanour, the way he carried himself with such class. A couple times we had lunch at the same table with some mutual friends. When I noticed the attraction was still there, I started having luch with some other colleagues. To my surprise, he was able to pick up on the fact that I was avoiding him. On another occasion, I simply stopped having lunch in that area and started staying in a lounge room on my department floor. Coincidentally, I think not, he started having lunch there too. I have refused lunch invitations for which he made reservations at the last minute. I have refused a day at the spa.

Around Christmas time of 2003 the closeness was undeniable. The time we spent together in the lounge room brought us closer than ever. Around the same time I had been hurt, he had ended his affair with his first mistress. He was in love with her, or so he said. We were able to confide in each other and offer some sort of solace. From my point of view, I was always cautious of my feelings toward him. But I felt that, he being married, there would always be that line that would never be crossed.

Eventually, we went to see a movie together. On the drive home, I told him that I was skeptical of being out with him because I did not want to violate the core of who I was or who I wanted to be. He understood what I meant. And we both admitted our feelings. That night when he tried to kiss me I turned away.

He told me how unhappy he was at home. How his wife was so self absorbed. How he hungered so much for love. My heart broke. This man deserves to be loved, and to feel loved.He knew what he had to do. She wanted to go to Canada, so over the next few months he would arrange for her to do so and then file for a separation. He didn't want to hurt her now, he wanted it to be amicable.

I allowed myself to get into the affair.Why? I was hurting. I was mentally drained and emotionally exhausted from giving my love to someone who took me for granted. For once I just wanted to surrender, selfishly, to having things my way, without regard, for the most part to her feelings. I was fed up of "doing right" all the time and still being disapointed.

I never nagged him about his marriage. It bothered me because I was brought up with better values. My Spirit wanted me to love myself better. The deception bothered me. The sexuality bothered me. I was a virgin when we got together. The affair was never about sex, since it happened nearing the very end of our first year. I agreed to myself to give into the uncertaintyof the affair for no more than 12 months.

At the end of 12 months, the day before New Year's Eve, he told me that he didn't know what he wanted. That he wasn't sure I could fit into his schedule. Hmmm, what a thing to hear from someone who has professed his undying love to you.

At that point I ended the affair.

A couple weeks later he started coming around. Telling me how painful this is for him. He has never felt this way before. He claimed to have been hurting pretty badly. I made the mistake of displacing, at this point, my own need to heal and move on with my life to tend to his "wounds", to wipe away his tears. For the next two weeks I allowed myself to go into denial. There was no sex. There was however affection.

A week ago he told me he was going on vacation for 5 days. He asked me if I would take one day that we could "spend in" at my apartment. Idiot that I am for love, and for him, I agreed. As time went by, I found out, through loopholes in his lies that he was actually taking 10 days vacation and he was planning a trip away with his wife.

Face of a saint. Heart of a liar.

I do not know whether or not I am going to tell his wife. If I do it will not be to break up his marriage, because I do not want a relationship with him anymore, married or divorced. It will not be for vengeance. Life has used him as a tool to teach me lessons I need to learn. I do not hate him, I am hurt but I do not hate him. My debate is should I tell her, this woman who has been loyal to this man for 7 years that her husband was disloyal to her. Not to make her suffer, but because were I in her position, I would want to know. Should I protect his lies, and if so why. Are we as women perpetuating this to the detriment of each other because we are afraid of how we would look, because we are afraid of how others would perceive us. Would telling her make me feel bad about my actions. Would it make me look bad to him.

I am going to ask for my guidance.

In the meantime, I am having faith in the process of life.

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ur story sounds like mine except mine was my boss. every detail matches almost exactly, iswear &im not that type of woman either. isay u stay away from him and if he comes around U threaten to tell his wife if he doesnt leave u alone. he's using u becuz he cant grow up, be a man, & face his reality. ur babying him & making it easy for him not to mention alright, if u continue w/him . His wife is prob tired of doing the same thing, maybe feel bad for her cuz shes married to him & its easier for u to get away.

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I think it depends on the situation.

If you want to have him all to yourself and to tear him from his family and wife, shame on you...please don't do it.

If you regret being his mistress and would like to reconcile, please end it now and don't look back. What she doesn't know cannot hurt her.

BUT...if you know he is a chronic cheater...if you know he will do it again and again...it -might- be your duty as a good person to warn her. A mistake is a mistake, but if the guy is a jerk, she deserves to know.

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YES, definitely.

If the two of you have a relationship it's even your duty to come forward with it. He may treat his wife bad by cheating on her but you can at least give her back the power to make her own decisions and the ability to see the whole picture. As in whether she wants to stay with this man etc, whether she should really tolerate other annoiances in the partnership much longer, give her the answer to something she's had a strange feeling about for a long time but could not figure out all by herself etc. If you don't, both of you, the cheater and the mistress treat the wife like a child.

You are probably in a difficult situation because you may be in love and speaking up means to admit that you yourself did something wrong too but it is the only way out of this mess and at least do something right in the end.

If more women did this there would be less cheating possible in our world.

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I recently had an affair with a man I who I'd gone to high school with but really didn't know very well. We also had a class reunion last spring and didn't even see each other there, but he e-mailed me to ask a question about our alumni group (which I co-chair) and that began a flood of e-mailing (350 e-mails in just two months). We live 2,500 miles from each other and finally met halfway for a week to determine if we wanted to move forward with our relationship and divorce our respective spouses. Our children are grown and out of the home.

My marriage (2nd) is over, for all intents and pupposes, and regardless of this person appearing in my life, it's dead. He told me exactly the same thing about his, also a second marriage, but of a longer duration than mine. They simply drifted apart and (he said) shared a home but separate quarters for sleeping. He had prostate surgery several years ago. Sex had stopped (according to him) seven years prior to his surgery and he did not think it would be possible to have sex with anyone.

Our time together (for me) was wonderful, and I fell even deeper in love with him. As far as I could tell, our feelings were shared. However, the last day we spent together was a disaster and he was brutally frank with me, ending it with cold remarks and although he denied it, I felt his amorous e-mails were just a lure to use me as an experiment to see if he indeed could have sex. (He could.)

Some things he told me while we were together led me to believe he had cheated prior to his surgery and that this is a pattern. Now that he's gone back home, he wants no contact, not even an e-mail (he changed his e-mail address) and no phone calls.

Of course, I am furious. I feel his wife needs to know what's going on and I do realize it's a vengeful thing to do, but I want him hurting as much as I am. I've heard that the best revenge is living well, but since that's not going to be possible for me right now, my alternative is to see him NOT living well. He's recently retired, has no responsibilities and (told me) his life was lonely and boring.

I saved every single e-mail. I have her personal e-mail address. I want to send not only the e-mails, but a hard copy to her. What's stopping me? False hope that if I take this final step, I'll never see him again...which I never will anyway, but it's just that all hope will be gone and I know I'll incur his wrath even more than I did after returning home and e-mailing him with "why," questions, which led him to change the address and tell me not to try to contact him again.

I feel wronged and used. I need to move on but selfishly, also feel the need to get back at him through her. I know I'm wrong, but I've already messed up, so why not tie up the loose ends?

C.

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I agree with the above post. I recently got trashed by a woman that I had a four-year affair with and all I can think to do is tell her husband EVERYTHING. I have all emails, letters, cards - everything that she told me, wrote to me and gave me - that I feel like should end up in his possession. She screwed me over and refuses to talk to me. As of a couple weeks ago they moved about 2,000 miles away and I never knew she was leaving. Her husband was always a "friend" and still thinks of me that way (even though my friendship with him was to continue my relationship with his wife). I just want to tell him but don't know what to do........it may sound petty but she really screwed me over saying that she was going to leave me for him and never did. She slinked right back into a life with him and left me holding the bag.

First answer by anonymous. Last edit by TilterJ. Contributor trust: 21 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 141 [recommend question]